Thanksgiving is a time of year that invites reflection, gratitude, and togetherness. As families gather around the dinner table, there is an opportunity to deepen relationships and foster meaningful connections. While the holidays can sometimes bring challenges, understanding the dynamics of family systems and human connection through psychological theories can help create a positive experience.
The works of Salvador Minuchin, Steven Porges, Bessel van der Kolk, and Murray Bowen offer valuable insights into how families can strengthen bonds and foster resilience during this special season.
The Role of Family Systems: Salvador Minuchin and Bowenian Theory
Salvador Minuchin, a pioneer of family systems therapy, emphasized that families function as interconnected systems. Each member influences the others, and the family as a whole adapts to changes. Minuchin’s structural approach highlights the importance of clear boundaries, roles, and open communication in maintaining a healthy family dynamic. Thanksgiving provides an opportunity to reflect on these dynamics, as family members reunite and navigate shifting roles and expectations.
Murray Bowen’s family systems theory further supports this view, emphasizing that unresolved emotional tensions from one generation can manifest in the next. Bowen encouraged families to recognize patterns of interaction and work toward differentiation—finding balance between individuality and connection. When families unite with gratitude, they can strengthen these bonds, resolve old tensions, and create a positive legacy for future generations.
Gratitude and the Polyvagal Theory: Steven Porges
Steven Porges’ polyvagal theory sheds light on the physiological basis of social connection. According to Porges, our autonomic nervous system plays a critical role in how we respond to others. The social engagement system is activated when we feel safe, fostering empathy, connection, and cooperation. Gratitude—an emotion strongly tied to Thanksgiving traditions—can enhance this sense of safety and connection.
Practicing gratitude during family gatherings can shift the nervous system into a state of calm and openness, which reduces the likelihood of conflict and promotes harmonious interactions. For example, sharing what each family member is thankful for can activate feelings of warmth and trust, which strengthens relationships and fosters a sense of belonging.
Healing Through Connection: Bessel van der Kolk and Attachment Theory
In The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk highlights how trauma impacts the body and mind, often disrupting relationships. He underscores the importance of safe, nurturing connections for healing. Thanksgiving, with its focus on togetherness and appreciation, provides a setting where such connections can be fostered.
Attachment theory complements van der Kolk’s findings by emphasizing the lifelong impact of early relationships on our ability to connect with others. Secure attachment—built on trust and consistent support—can be reinforced during family gatherings when members actively listen, validate emotions, and express appreciation. For those with strained or distant family ties, Thanksgiving can also be a step toward rebuilding trust and fostering secure relationships.
Creating Positive Holiday Experiences: The Power of Intentionality
The holidays can evoke a mix of emotions, ranging from joy to stress. However, families can intentionally create positive experiences by focusing on shared goals and gratitude. Research in positive psychology shows that expressing gratitude improves mental health, increases resilience, and strengthens relationships.
Here are a few practical ways to cultivate close connections this Thanksgiving:
Start with Gratitude
Begin the meal by sharing something each person is thankful for. This practice not only sets a positive tone but also reinforces the value of togetherness.
Honor Boundaries
Respecting individual needs and boundaries, as outlined by Minuchin’s family systems theory, can prevent conflict and promote harmony.
Practice Active Listening
Building on attachment principles, demonstrating curiosity and genuine interest in each other’s lives fosters deeper connections.
Stay Present
Mindfulness techniques, such as focusing on the present moment, can help families fully enjoy time together.
Looking Ahead: Building Stronger Families
Thanksgiving is an opportunity to plant seeds of connection that can grow throughout the year. By integrating the principles of family systems theory, polyvagal theory, and attachment theory, families can navigate the complexities of their relationships with greater understanding and compassion.
As Salvador Minuchin wisely noted, “The family is not only an institution but a matrix of identity.” Thanksgiving is a chance to celebrate this identity, embrace gratitude, and create a legacy of connection and resilience for generations to come.
Sources:
- Bowen, M. (1978). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice. New York: Jason Aronson.
- Minuchin, S. (1974). Families and Family Therapy. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.
- Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. New York: W. W. Norton & Company.
- van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. New York: Viking Press.
- Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss. New York: Basic Books.
- Emmons, R. A., & McCullough, M. E. (2004). The Psychology of Gratitude. Oxford University Press.
