During the winter holidays, many people get together with their families to enjoy festivities and share warmth and light during the darker winter months. In many cases, these are joyful reunions as parents and siblings who may not have seen each other in a long time get to catch up and share stories and experiences. However, there can also be challenges when families get together all under one roof, especially for extended periods of time. Unresolved tensions can rise to the surface, and new routines can clash with old; it isn’t uncommon for even the most loving of families to find themselves bickering or even shouting over the dinner table after a few nights together during the holidays. 

As an advocate of family systems theory, I am interested in how we can better understand and negotiate our family lives. This winter break, I will examine how an understanding of family systems theory can help us better navigate the tricky roads of communicating with parents, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents so that we can all enjoy a happy and argument-free holiday.

A Tense Time of Year

According to a survey conducted by Verywell Mind, 75% of Americans report having concerns about returning to visit family during the holidays. In addition, 40% expect conflict with loved ones. That means that nearly half of Americans expect to get in a dispute with their families this holiday season! While some of the worry is focused on general differences (nearly 30% of those who expected conflict stated they thought it would be about politics), much of it derives simply from personal differences, old conflicts, and existing dynamics within each individual family.[1]

According to psychology researchers, much of this is based on our similarities to family members rather than on our fundamental differences. When we have many overlapping characteristics to those around us, we experience a higher desire for uniqueness and to express ourselves as individuals. At the holidays, when many members of the same family are sitting around one table, the shared characteristics are extremely obvious, which can make the desire to push back against them stronger. As each of us attempts to establish our unique self, we naturally highlight points of difference, which can spark frustration and conflict within the family at large.[2]

Family Systems Theory

So how can family systems theory help us navigate these tricky conflict-ridden holiday periods? By helping us recognize old patterns of behavior that are rooted in the roles we play within our families and, more importantly, why we play them

Let’s consider the following example: a family of five sits down to dinner on Christmas Eve, including mother, father, eldest daughter, middle daughter, and youngest son. When the mother begins to say grace, her eldest daughter reacts with a small unconscious snort in an attempt to reassert her independence from this religious tradition. The mother reacts angrily, accusing the eldest daughter of “always” being difficult; the father comes to the defense of the eldest daughter. The youngest son gets angry with his father, telling him to “stop making mom upset!” The middle daughter turns to her eldest sister and says “you always have to make it about you.” Thus, our example family finds themselves in an argument at a time when they are meant to be joyfully spending time together during the holidays.

This is a very clear example of how the family system – all the complex interrelations of the various roles each member of the family has learned to play[3] – enacts patterns that can be difficult to challenge. In this case, emotional loyalties have turned a moment of thoughtless expression by one child into an argument among the entire family. Without understanding all of the parts of this family, it would be difficult to avoid this escalation, as it seems to have started all at once.

Communicating Within the Family System

In this example, the members of the family are acting without thinking according to long standing patterns within the family system. One way of transforming these patterns from invisible pathways to conflict into productive modes of communication is to work together to trace them as a family. This isn’t always easy, especially for families who don’t see each other often, but even a small conversation about family dynamics can help make these otherwise invisible systems a little bit clearer, and it’s much easier to work with visible systems than invisible ones. 

Another key way to enact transformation is to resist the urge to act on first instincts. Practicing “taking a beat” to consider why you want to react in the way you feel you must can make all the difference in avoiding conflict, since it offers you the opportunity to halt the type of knee-jerk reaction that is often a result of existing family loyalties. In our example, many of the family members reacted in defense of others without considering why. In most cases, the family system dictates how we react and why; examining these instincts rather than following them offers us a brief moment to reconsider our roles and challenge the existing patterns of which we are a part. 

No change is accomplished right away, and no one should expect to transform the workings of their family system overnight. What’s more, systems always govern family interactions – even positive and supportive and communicative ones – so seeking to dismantle the family system is a misguided approach. Instead, as we head into the holiday season, try looking more closely at the dynamics of your family. You might find it possible to communicate more effectively by working from a strong knowledge of the system in which you all play a key part.

Happy holidays from all of us here at Heather R. Hayes and Associates!

Sources:

[1] https://www.verywellmind.com/mental-health-tracker-holiday-concerns-5207876

[2] Khazan, O. (2013) Why families fight during holidays. The Atlantic. https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/12/why-families-fight-during-holidays/282584/

[3] Suppes, B.C. (2023) Family systems theory simplified: Applying and understanding systemic therapy models. New York, NY, US: Routledge (Family systems theory simplified: Applying and understanding systemic therapy models), pp. ix, 229. Available at: https://doi.org/10.4324/9781003088196.ts-the-teen-social-scene (Accessed: 21 October 2024).