The term neurodivergent has seen increasing use in popular culture and on social media in recent years. This word is meant as a term that broadly encapsulates a range of mental health conditions where there are natural variations in the brain’s information-processing mechanisms. These include dyslexia, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), autism spectrum disorder (ASD) and Tourette’s syndrome. Although it’s always difficult to generalize across conditions such as these, neurodivergent brains are broadly considered to be wired differently when it comes to things like learning styles, focus, communication, or social skills.

But what does a neurodivergent diagnosis mean for the broader workings of a family? In particular, what are the challenges of parenting neurodivergent teenagers, and how can the family system adapt to account for them? Adolescence is already a highly turbulent time: teenagers on their way from childhood to adulthood are undergoing significant developmental changes on the physical, cognitive, emotional, and psychological levels. Additional communication or social barriers as a result of neurodivergence can understandably feel overwhelming for parents. 

There is no single model for parenting teens, let alone those who are neurodivergent, but there are certain key ways to make space for differences within the family system that can lessen feelings of pressure or stress related to parenting teens whose brains are wired differently.

Understanding Neurodivergence

According to researchers, neurodiversity is understood as a subcategory of neurodevelopmental conditions. Rather than referring to a set of symptoms associated with a singular condition, neurodivergent encompasses a wide range of conditions that are characterized by specific shared features. While not a clinical term, it has been widely adopted by psychology researchers, such as the National Science Foundation, and by health care practitioners and counselors as a helpful tool for recognizing and treating the diverse conditions that result in neurodivergence.

Some of the more commonly diagnosed conditions that are included in the term include:

• Autism spectrum disorder (ASD)
• Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)
• Dyslexia
• Dyspraxia
• Tourette’s
• Other learning disabilities 

One of the benefits of grouping these conditions and disabilities is that it helps us recognize that individuals who struggle with them tend to face similar types of challenges with:

• Managing day-to-day activities
• Adapting to changes in routines
• Navigating social interactions
• Sensory demands
• Barriers of stigma or judgment

Parenting Neurodivergent Teens

Many of these challenges can also present major difficulties at home. It isn’t always easy for parents to understand why their children find day-to-day activities or seemingly normal social interactions so difficult. This can worsen as kids become teens, and parents naturally expect to be able to place more social and personal responsibility on their shoulders. Faced with their teens’ inability to meet their expectations, parents can become frustrated as a result of their misunderstanding. For other families, the uncertainties surrounding the needs of neurodivergent teens can cause additional stress and worry, as they naturally want to provide the best possible environment for their children but are not necessarily sure how to go about it.[2]

However, parenting neurodivergent teens doesn’t have to be a constant struggle. According to Lauro Amezcua Patino, author of Unlocking Neurodiversity: A Comprehensive Guide to Understanding and Embracing Brain Differences, one of the first and most crucial steps is recognizing the beauty of difference: 

The concept of neurodiversity is powerful. It recognizes the inherent beauty and strength that comes with our unique minds. Embracing our differences, whether we have autism, ADHD, dyslexia, or other neurological variations, is essential to celebrating true human diversity. Parents of neurodivergent children can find strength and comfort by embracing this new concept of neurodiversity.[3]

One other key way to address the challenges presented by parenting neurodivergent teenagers is to learn about their condition with them. Pediatric neuropsychologist Jerome Schultz suggests that “when kids have a better understanding of the condition that affects their learning, they tend to have a better self-concept, and they are more likely to feel empowered and motivated to self-advocate.”[4] In addition, this can benefit parents, as being informed and learning alongside your teenager places you both on the same side by promoting fighting together for success rather than arguing between yourselves.

Finally, listening to your teen and accommodating their specific needs is one of the most crucial ways you can mitigate the challenges to family life that their neurodivergence presents. If your teenager is finding the noise of the household overwhelming, for example, or having a hard time coping with the shifting routines necessitated by a busy family schedule, do what you can do to accommodate their sensory or routine needs rather than forcing them to accommodate you.[5] This isn’t always possible, of course, but doing as much as you can to meet them where they are – where their beautifully different brain places them – shows compassion and understanding for their experience, and this can go a long ways toward better family communication. 

Above all, be patient with yourself and your teen. Communication with family is difficult even in the best circumstances, and holding grace for yourself and your children as you navigate the family system is always the best and most important thing you can do as a parent.

Sources:

[1] Jenson, R.J., Lee, M.S., Day, A.D. et al. Effective inclusion practices for neurodiverse children and adolescents in informal STEM learning: a systematic review protocol. Syst Rev 12, 109 (2023). https://doi.org/10.1186/s13643-023-02278-2

[2] Koushiki. (2023) Breaking the changes of neurodiversity stigma in families. Medium.com. Oct 2. https://medium.com/@koushiki1310/breaking-the-chains-of-neurodiversity-stigma-in-families-59428d462cb6

[3] Patino, L.A. (2023) Unlocking Neurodiversity: A Comprehensive Guide to Understanding and Embracing Brain Differences.

[4] Schultz, J. (2024) Neurodivergent Kids Flourish When They’re Taught How Their Brains Work, Scientific American. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/neurodivergent-kids-flourish-when-theyre-taught-how-their-brains-work/

[5] Quirk, M. (2024) ‘When Neurodivergence Meets the Teen Social Scene | Psychology Today’, Psychology Today. Available at: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beyond-mental-health/202409/when-neurodivergence-meets-the-teen-social-scene (Accessed: 21 October 2024).