What is codependency? It is a word we often associate with dysfunctional relationships. As a term, codependency has 15 published definitions attributed to a wide variety of experts and psychologists. This complexity explains why it is often misunderstood or taken out of context. Yet, codependency is an extremely useful concept for therapy and counselling, particularly when it comes to family and relationship therapy.
In order for it to be useful, we first have to clarify codependency, taking a closer look at some of its features and how it manifests in various relationships, especially within dysfunctional families. How can we better understand codependency? We will start by examining its history in psychological research before exploring its role in understanding and working with dysfunctional families and explaining some of the key characteristics of codependency that are relevant in therapeutic practice, including denial, dysfunction, delusion, and drama. Some level of codependency is normal, and understanding where it crosses a line is the key to maintaining balance.
History of Codependence
Codependency, as a psychological concept, emerged in the late 20th century, particularly in the context of treating individuals affected by substance abuse and addiction. Initially, the term was popularized in the 1980s, particularly in the field of addiction therapy, where it was used to describe the behaviors exhibited by partners of alcoholics and substance abusers. Melody Beattie’s seminal 1986 publication, “Codependent No More,” provides a detailed exploration of the traits and behaviors that define codependency. Beattie’s work not only brought attention to the need for partners and family members of addicts to address their own issues but also laid the groundwork for wider discussions surrounding the impact of these relationships.[1]
Early research surrounding codependency focused primarily on the dynamics of relationships within the context of addiction. Researchers such as C. E. Whitfield (1984) contributed to this dialogue by identifying codependent traits, including caretaking behaviors, control issues, and an excessive focus on pleasing others. Whitfield’s book, “Co-Dependent No More,” expanded on how these characteristics can perpetuate unhealthy relationships and personal suffering.[2]
As the field of psychology evolved, so too did the understanding of codependency. By the 1990s, the discourse had broadened to include considerations of codependency in various relational contexts beyond addiction, including familial relationships, romantic partnerships, and friendships. Researchers began to examine the psychological underpinnings of codependent behavior, linking it to various constructs such as low self-esteem, anxiety, and attachment styles (Mills, 2017). This exploration highlighted how childhood experiences, particularly with caregivers, could contribute to the development of codependent patterns in adulthood.
Further studies articulated a more nuanced understanding of codependency as not merely a response to another person’s dysfunction but as a distinct mental and emotional syndrome with its own array of symptoms, such as distorted self-concept, emotional suppression, and a pervasive need for external validation. More recent research has sought to define codependency within the framework of psychological resilience by arguing for the potential strengths that individuals may derive from overcoming codependent tendencies, reclaiming autonomy, and fostering self-awareness.
Overall, the historical evolution of codependency research reflects a growing recognition of the complexities involved in relational dynamics and individual psychology. Continued exploration in this field elucidates the pathways to recovery and personal growth that can emerge from understanding and addressing codependent behaviors.
Characteristics of Codependence
Codependence is a complex behavioral condition characterized by myriad dysfunctional traits that hinder healthy emotional expression and interpersonal relationships. Individuals caught in this web often exhibit dishonesty, projecting their own feelings while denying their genuine emotional state. Frozen or distorted feelings manifest as an inability to engage with or process emotions healthily, leading to a persistent state of resentment. Coupled with a need for control and a clouded sense of self, codependents frequently grapple with confusion, unable to make decisions or recognize their own emotions clearly. Their thought processes may become chaotic, reflecting patterns such as obsessive or dualistic thinking that oversimplify nuanced issues into black-and-white choices. Furthermore, perfectionism often results from these processes, in which the individual believes that flawless performance will earn them love and validation. This external referencing stems from low self-worth, often exacerbated by a shame-based existence, which creates dependency issues and fosters fear and rigidity.
Common Behaviors in Codependency
Common behaviors associated with codependency highlight the struggle for identity and the need for validation through the care of others. The caretaker role often emerges in close relationships with individuals who struggle with addiction, leading to a cycle of enabling rather than genuine support. Such behaviors include smothering loved ones, engaging in martyrdom, and sacrificing personal needs in hopes of fostering connections. The repetition of seeking approval through perfectionism creates a stasis, wherein the individual feels increasingly trapped. Codependents may attempt to control others’ behaviors to stave off feelings of inferiority, which perpetuates a judgmental stance and internal negativity. Ultimately, these behaviors are not just actions but reflections of deeper, often conflicting inner thoughts.
Inner Thoughts of Codependency
At the heart of codependence lies a series of internal dialogues that define the individual’s self-worth and identity. Many express sentiments such as, “I can’t function unless I’m in love,” highlighting a dependency on external validation for their emotional well-being. Thoughts like, “When I walk into a room, I’m drawn to the person I can help,” encapsulate a pervasive need to care for others often at one’s own expense. Such individuals struggle with boundaries, fearing disapproval if they dare to say no, which leads to exhaustion from relentless efforts to please. This mentality results in an identity so intertwined with others’ perceptions that many find they hardly recognize themselves apart from those around them. The desire to elicit external affirmation becomes a barrier to self-acceptance, creating a vicious cycle that anchors codependents in a struggle for autonomy and emotional clarity.
Importantly, some level of concern about others is important and even necessary to normal psychological functioning in a society and community. According to experts, codependency becomes problematic when concern takes over the mind of the person experiencing it, making it hard for them to focus on anything else. According to Melody Beattie, “codependency is normal behaviour, plus.”
Sources:
[1] Beattie, M. (1986). Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. HarperCollins.
[2] Whitfield, C. E. (1984). Co-dependence: Healing the human condition. Health Communications.
