In his influential book, Lost in the Shuffle (1987), Robert Subby explores the hidden rules that govern families affected by addiction, mental illness, and unresolved trauma. Beyond the five core rules he famously outlined (control, perfection, blame, denial, and unreliability), Subby also described a deeper layer of implicit sayings or commandments that shape behavior and emotional survival in dysfunctional family systems. These internalized rules are often unspoken yet profoundly impact identity formation, emotional regulation, and relational functioning.
Below, we explore Subby’s implicit family rules, providing examples for each to illuminate how they manifest in daily life.
1. Do As I Say, Not As I Do
Meaning: Family authority figures often demand compliance to stated rules while personally violating them, teaching hypocrisy and undermining trust.
Example: A father tells his children not to drink alcohol while regularly drinking excessively himself. When confronted, he responds, “I’m an adult; it’s different.”
Impact: Children internalize confusion about integrity, accountability, and boundaries.
2. Don’t Rock the Boat
Meaning: Maintaining appearances and emotional stability is prioritized over addressing underlying problems.
Example: A teenager confronts the family about a parent’s escalating drinking, and the response is, “Why are you causing drama? We have enough problems.
Impact: Authentic emotional expression is suppressed, and problems fester unaddressed.
3. Don’t Talk
Meaning: Open communication about feelings, conflicts, or dysfunction is forbidden.
Example: When a child expresses fear about a parent’s rage outbursts, they are met with, “We don’t talk about those things outside this house.”
Impact: Emotional needs are invalidated, leading to isolation and emotional numbness.
4. Don’t Trust
Meaning: Trusting others, including family members, is unsafe because promises are often broken, or emotional support is unreliable.
Example: A child shares a vulnerability with a parent, only to have it mocked or weaponized later.
Impact: Deep difficulties in forming secure attachments and trusting others.
5. Don’t Feel
Meaning: Emotions are viewed as dangerous, weak, or burdensome.
Example: A boy cries after being bullied at school, and his parent tells him, “Man up. Quit being a baby.”
Impact: Emotional suppression leads to difficulty recognizing, expressing, and regulating emotions.
6. Keep Secrets
Meaning: Family dysfunction must be hidden from outsiders to protect the family’s image.
Example: A child is warned never to mention the parent’s drinking problem to teachers, friends, or extended family.
Impact: Loyalty is tied to secrecy, reinforcing shame and preventing help-seeking behavior.
7. Always Be Strong
Meaning: Vulnerability is equated with weakness; strength is defined as emotional stoicism.
Example: A child is discouraged from asking for help, even when overwhelmed, and is told, “You’re tough; you can handle anything.”
Impact: Emotional isolation, exhaustion, and difficulty seeking support as adults.
8. Be Perfect
Meaning: Love, acceptance, and safety are conditional upon flawless performance.
Example: A straight-A student receives minimal praise but heavy criticism for a single B-grade.
Impact: Development of perfectionism, chronic shame, and anxiety about failure.
9. Make Us Proud
Meaning: Family reputation and pride are paramount; individual needs and struggles are secondary.
Example: A child is discouraged from pursuing art (their passion) because, “it won’t make the family look good like being a doctor would.”
Impact: Loss of authentic identity in favor of meeting external expectations.
10. Be Loyal, No Matter What
Meaning: Questioning or confronting dysfunctional behavior is equated with betrayal.
Example: A young adult distances themselves from a toxic parent, and the family labels them selfish or ungrateful.
Impact: Guilt-ridden enmeshment and difficulty setting healthy boundaries.
How These Rules Sustain Dysfunction
As Robert Subby described, these rules form an internalized operating system that:
- Protects the dysfunctional family system from exposure.
- Perpetuates cycles of shame, secrecy, and emotional suppression.
- Imprints survival adaptations (e.g., codependency, hypervigilance, perfectionism) that continue into adulthood.
As Salvador Minuchin (1974) noted, such rules create “rigid enmeshment” within family systems, where individuation and authenticity are sacrificed for the sake of loyalty and emotional survival.
Moving Toward Healing
Healing involves courageously breaking these inherited rules:
- Talk: Speak openly about family history and personal experiences.
- Trust: Build connections with trustworthy, supportive individuals.
- Feel: Honor and express emotions rather than suppressing them.
- Set Boundaries: Prioritize emotional well-being over blind loyalty.
- Seek Support: Engage in therapy, recovery groups, or communities that encourage authenticity and healing.
True recovery is relational — and it begins by replacing the old survival-based rules with new principles rooted in truth, compassion, and emotional integrity.
Sources:
Woititz, J. G. (1983). Adult Children of Alcoholics. Health Communications, Inc
Black, C. (1981). It Will Never Happen to Me: Growing Up with Addiction as Youngsters, Adolescents, and Adults. Ballantine Books.
Bradshaw, J. (1988). Healing the Shame That Binds You. Health Communications, Inc.
Mellody, P., Miller, A. W., & Miller, J. K. (1989). Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives. HarperOne.
Minuchin, S. (1974). Families and Family Therapy. Harvard University Press.
Satir, V. (1983). Conjoint Family Therapy. Science and Behavior Books.
Subby, R. (1987). Lost in the Shuffle: The Co-Dependent Reality. Health Communications, Inc.
