One of the cornerstones of family therapy is family systems theory. This is a theory we have explored often in the past in relation to treating mental health conditions across the spectrum, and it is particularly relevant for those of us who work with adolescents dealing with substance use disorders and trauma. The basic tenets of family systems theory is that the family must be understood as a system of individuals connected by complex and dynamic relationships.
One critical area where these dynamics become apparent is during teen development, which is a period marked by significant physical, emotional, and cognitive changes. During this time, incongruence within the family system – that is, a mismatch between what is expected and what is communicated – can cause significant confusion, anger, and resentment among teenagers themselves.
This blog explores the concept of incongruence within the family and how gaps arise between our overt behaviors and covert contracts, focusing specifically on how these inconsistencies can create dissonance and themes of injustice that impact adolescent development.
What Is Incongruence?
In family systems theory, the term incongruence refers to a mismatch between what is outwardly expressed (overt behaviors) and what is expected or understood internally within the family (covert contracts). Covert contracts are the unspoken agreements that govern family interactions, often without the conscious awareness of those involved. These contracts might include expectations about roles, responsibilities, communication styles, and emotional expression.
For example, in a family where the unspoken rule is that “children should not challenge their parents,” an adolescent who begins to assert independence by questioning parental authority may be met with confusion or hostility. The overt behavior of the adolescent (asserting independence) is incongruent with the covert contract (unquestioned parental authority), leading to dissonance within the family system.
Jay Haley, a prominent figure in the development of family systems therapy, often highlighted the power struggles that arise from such incongruences.[1] In his work, Haley emphasized that these struggles are not merely about the specific issues at hand but are symbolic of deeper, unspoken agreements within the family. For example, a teenager’s refusal to follow the curfew set by their parents might not just be about their desire to stay out late but could actually be a challenge to the family’s covert contract regarding autonomy and control.
Feelings of Injustice in Adolescent Development
Adolescence is a critical developmental stage characterized by the pursuit of autonomy, identity formation, and increased peer influence.[2] Many of us will remember the difficulties of being a teenager: the pressures of growing older, the anxiety of nascent romances, and the intensity of friendships and social groups. Across most cultures, the lives of teenagers are characterized by deep emotions and intense experiences. Yet, as adults, we find it extremely difficult when teenagers push against family boundaries and question existing family rules. We find it easy to misunderstand these behaviors as rebellious or take them to be aggressions against our way of life. Yet, according to family systems theory, these teenage behaviors are linked to feelings of injustice that arise from incongruence within the family system.
Salvador Minuchin, a key figure in structural family therapy, explored how family structures— the organization of relationships within the family—can either support or hinder adolescent development. Minuchin’s concept of family subsystems (e.g., parent-child, sibling) and boundaries (the rules governing these subsystems) is particularly relevant here. In families where boundaries are too rigid or too diffuse, adolescents may experience these structures as unjust or constraining.
For example, in a family with rigid boundaries, where parents tightly control the activities of their children, the covert contract may be “parents always know best.” However, as the teenager seeks independence, this rigid structure can feel unjust, leading to conflict and dissonance. Teenagers may feel that their developmental need for autonomy is being unfairly suppressed, which can show up in day-to-day life as rebellious behavior, withdrawal, or even in the development of mental health conditions such as anxiety and depression.
Minuchin argued that the solution to this wasn’t an intense focus on the teen as an individual but rather a compassionate restructuring of the family system to create more flexible boundaries that allow for the growing teenage need for independence while maintaining a sense of security and support within the family. This could involve renegotiating roles and responsibilities within the family, creating space for teens and children to express their individuality, and addressing the covert contracts that are no longer serving the family’s developmental needs.[3]
Treating the Family System as a Whole
The approach advocated by Minuchin – treating the family system as a whole in order to address issues arising from the behavior of one member – is not always easy for parents to undertake. Especially when teens lash out with unkind words, thoughtlessness, or risky rule-breaking, our own feelings of hurt and anger can lead us to want to punish them directly for their actions. While it is important to introduce consequences for crossing boundaries, especially those which put them at risk, unless we bear in mind that our children are as much a part of the family system as we are, these patterns of resistance will likely continue throughout their adolescent years.
Instead, we might work on training our gazes to look for incongruences within the family system – what covert rules are being challenged by these bad behaviors? And how can we reshape the roles and expectations for each member of the family so that things are less incongruous for our teens?
Of course, seeking professional support in this work can help significantly; taking on the responsibility of restructuring a family system as a busy working parent is not always easy or even possible. Here at Heather R. Hayes and Associates, we have the resources to support families through the difficulties of negotiating the family system, particularly in cases where the aim is to address the mental health condition of a teenage child. Visit the “Why Us?” section of our website to learn more about how we can provide ethical and tailored support for the entire family system.
Sources:
[1] Madanes, C., & Haley, J. (1977). DIMENSIONS OF FAMILY THERAPY. The Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease, 165(2), 88–98. https://doi.org/10.1097/00005053-197708000-00002
[2] Branje, S. (2022). Adolescent identity development in context. Current Opinion in Psychology, 45, 101286. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2021.11.006
[3] Minuchin, S., Borda, C., & Reiter, M. D. (2021). The craft of family therapy : challenging certainties (Second edition.). Routledge.
