“What cannot be communicated to the [parent] cannot be communicated to the self.”
— John Bowlby, Attachment and Loss (1980)
British psychoanalyst John Bowlby, best known for founding attachment theory, proposed that the expectations children form about themselves and others are deeply shaped by early relational experiences. Often overlooked within his broader framework is his Expectation Theory—a foundational insight that helps us understand how early attachments influence not only emotional regulation but also the development of internal working models, coping patterns, and intergenerational behaviors.
Understanding Expectation Theory
At the heart of Bowlby’s attachment theory lies the idea that children develop internal working models–deeply ingrained mental representations of the self, others, and the world–that are built upon early relational experiences, particularly with primary caregivers. Bowlby emphasized that these models are based on expectations of whether others will be available, attuned, and responsive in times of need:
“The way a person responds to threat, loss, or trauma is influenced by his expectations of whether or not attachment figures will be available, and how they will respond if called upon” (Bowlby, 1988, p. 121).
These expectations are not conscious decisions but deeply embedded assumptions that shape perception, behavior, and emotion throughout life. If a child’s needs were met with consistency and empathy, they are more likely to expect safety in relationships. If they were met with neglect, anger, or unpredictability, the child may develop defensive coping mechanisms rooted in mistrust and shame.
Maladaptive Coping and Emotional Fallout
When early expectations are marked by fear, rejection, or emotional inconsistency, children may adopt non-beneficial coping skills to manage distress. These may include:
- Avoidance or detachment: a hallmark of avoidant attachment, where a child learns not to expect comfort and may suppress emotional needs.
- Hypervigilance and emotional overfunctioning: common in anxiously attached individuals, who learn to over-anticipate others’ needs in hopes of gaining approval or avoiding abandonment.
- Numbing or dissociation: a survival strategy in the face of chronic emotional invalidation or trauma.
- Substance use, aggression, or perfectionism: often maladaptive attempts to regulate the unexpressed emotional pain rooted in unmet expectations.
Such coping mechanisms may provide temporary relief, but often erode long-term relational and psychological health.
Expectation Theory in the Context of Family Systems
Family Systems Theory, pioneered by figures like Murray Bowen and Salvador Minuchin, helps contextualize Bowlby’s insights within the broader dynamics of family functioning. A child’s expectations are not created in a vacuum but are shaped by intergenerational patterns, roles, and rules within the family system.
For example, in a family with rigid roles (e.g., “the responsible one,” “the scapegoat”), children may learn to expect conditional love based on performance or conformity. In enmeshed systems, in which boundaries are blurred, a child may expect that their emotional needs are secondary to the family’s collective needs.
Bowen (1978) observed that unresolved emotional attachment to one’s family of origin often results in emotional fusion, where expectations about safety and identity remain tied to early relationships, even into adulthood. These patterns perpetuate across generations unless they are disrupted by insight and intentional intervention.
Healing the Cycle: Reworking Expectations and Building Secure Attachment
Understanding Bowlby’s expectation theory offers a roadmap for healing. Therapeutic approaches grounded in attachment (such as Emotionally Focused Therapy or Internal Family Systems) help individuals recognize maladaptive internal working models, grieve unmet childhood needs, and form new expectations based on trustworthy relationships.
This work includes:
- Cultivating self-compassion and emotional literacy
- Challenging cognitive distortions rooted in early attachment trauma
- Reconfiguring family roles and boundaries to support healthier dynamics
- Practicing secure-functioning relationships through corrective experiences
As Bowlby noted:
“The propensity to make strong emotional bonds to particular individuals is a basic component of human nature.”
When individuals are given the opportunity to rewrite the expectations they formed in childhood, they begin to reclaim the capacity for secure attachment, self-worth, and meaningful connection.
A Powerful Lens
John Bowlby’s Expectation Theory remains a powerful lens through which to understand the roots of emotional pain, coping behavior, and relational patterns. When combined with family systems theory, it reveals the interconnected web of expectations that shape not only individual development but also entire generational legacies. Healing begins when these expectations are made conscious, challenged, and gently transformed.
Sources:
Bowlby, J. (1980). Attachment and Loss, Vol. 3: Loss: Sadness and Depression. New York: Basic Books.
Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. New York: Basic Books.
Bowen, M. (1978). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice. New York: Jason Aronson.
Minuchin, S. (1974). Families and Family Therapy. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.
Siegel, D. J., & Hartzell, M. (2003). Parenting from the Inside Out. New York: TarcherPerigee.
Wallin, D. J. (2007). Attachment in Psychotherapy. New York: Guilford Press.
