Parental alienation is a complex and often misunderstood dynamic in which one parent intentionally or unconsciously manipulates a child to reject the other parent, undermining the child’s attachment and loyalty to that parent. This behavior is most often seen in high-conflict separations or divorces but can occur in any family system where resentment, control, or unresolved trauma persist.
Coined by child psychiatrist Richard Gardner in the 1980s, the term Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) sparked early controversy, particularly around gender bias and legal implications. While PAS as a diagnosis has not been accepted by the DSM-5, the behaviors and impact of parental alienation have been widely recognized by clinicians, including those in trauma-informed and family systems frameworks (Baker, 2007; Warshak, 2015).
The Family Systems Lens: A Generational Echo
In the language of family systems theory, parental alienation is not simply a matter of “bad behavior” by one parent—it is a relational dysfunction that reflects broader patterns within the family system. Jay Haley and Cloe Madanes, pioneers of strategic family therapy, emphasized the recursive nature of family conflict: problems are maintained by interactions, not just individuals. From this view, alienation may emerge when a child is triangulated into the parental conflict, cast into the role of rescuer, confidante, or avenger for one parent’s unresolved grievances.
According to Newton and Madanes (1994), alienating behaviors often stem from a disempowered parent seeking to maintain connection and control through the child. The alienated parent, meanwhile, may either escalate the conflict or withdraw, further distorting family roles. Jay Haley (1980) warned of how children caught in loyalty binds may develop symptomatic behaviors to stabilize a fractured system—behavioral issues, anxiety, or even rejection of both parents.
In such families, the child’s rejection of a parent is rarely spontaneous. It is cultivated through subtle cues—nonverbal disapproval, chronic criticism, limiting contact, or even rewriting history. As Connie Abrams notes in her work on parental alienation, this is a form of psychological splitting that deprives the child of a cohesive sense of self: “When a child must deny love for one parent to maintain the love of the other, they lose something essential in themselves.”
The Trauma Perspective: Fragmented Attachments
Parental alienation is, at its core, a form of relational trauma. The child is placed in an impossible double bind—expected to reject a caregiver they love in order to maintain safety or approval from the other. This is developmentally destabilizing, particularly for young children whose sense of identity is deeply intertwined with their caregivers.
Bessel van der Kolk (2014) and Judith Herman (1992) have documented how relational trauma—especially trauma that occurs within the caregiving system—can disrupt the development of trust, attachment, and emotional regulation. In alienation cases, children may display symptoms similar to those seen in trauma survivors: emotional numbing, hypervigilance, black-and-white thinking, and identity confusion.
Moreover, alienated children are often recruited into an enmeshment with the alienating parent—a violation of healthy boundaries that mirrors patterns of covert emotional incest. They are emotionally burdened with adult concerns and rewarded for aligning against the other parent, a process that creates shame, guilt, and inner fragmentation.
Harm to the Child: Loss, Loyalty, and Long-Term Impacts
The effects of parental alienation on children can be long-lasting and severe. Research by Amy Baker (2007) has shown that alienated children often struggle with trust issues, low self-esteem, depression, and difficulty forming stable relationships in adulthood. They may also exhibit internalized anger and self-blame, particularly as they begin to question or revisit the rejected parent’s absence later in life.
Children in these situations lose access not only to a parent, but to extended family members, traditions, and parts of their own identity. The grief is compounded by confusion: the very person encouraging the rejection is often the one most relied upon for emotional validation.
As Connie Abrams points out, parental alienation is “not a custody issue—it is a child protection issue.” The child is being manipulated into cutting off half of their emotional inheritance in the name of loyalty. This internal rupture can lead to symptoms that resemble complex PTSD, attachment trauma, and borderline relational patterns.
Repair and Treatment: A Relational Healing Process
Healing parental alienation requires a multi-pronged, trauma-informed approach that includes:
Assessment and Early Intervention
Family systems therapists must differentiate between justified estrangement (such as in cases of abuse or neglect) and alienation rooted in manipulation. Abrams and others advocate for careful systemic assessment rather than pathologizing a child’s behavior in isolation.
Reintegration Therapy
Reintegration therapy is designed to restore connection between the child and the alienated parent in a safe, structured, and emotionally attuned environment. The goal is not to coerce but to reestablish trust and repair the child’s capacity for integrated attachment.
Psychoeducation for Parents
Both parents—especially the alienating parent—need education on the long-term impact of their behavior. A therapist trained in strategic or structural family therapy can help disrupt harmful dynamics, restructure boundaries, and promote accountability.
Individual and Family Trauma Work
From a trauma perspective, it is critical to treat the child’s attachment wounds and identity fragmentation. Therapies such as EMDR, somatic experiencing, and internal family systems (IFS) can support healing. Family work must prioritize emotional safety and relational repair.
Legal and Court-Involved Interventions
In severe cases, courts may need to mandate therapeutic interventions or modify custody arrangements. However, court solutions alone are rarely sufficient without deep therapeutic engagement.
Restoring the Web of Connection
Parental alienation fractures the fundamental web of belonging that children need to thrive. It replaces trust with fear, love with loyalty tests, and relationship with role-playing. Through the lens of family systems, we see alienation not as a singular act of blame, but as a symptom of relational distress, trauma, and unmet needs.
By addressing the family as a system, honoring the child’s psychological integrity, and repairing ruptured attachments, we offer a pathway back to wholeness—not just for the child, but for the entire family constellation.
Sources:
- Abrams, C. (2016). Parental Alienation: The Handbook for Mental Health and Legal Professionals. CreateSpace Independent Publishing.
- Baker, A. J. L. (2007). Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome: Breaking the Ties that Bind. W.W. Norton.
- Gardner, R. A. (1985). Parental Alienation Syndrome and the Differentiation Between Fabricated and Genuine Child Sex Abuse. Creative Therapeutics.
- Haley, J. (1980). Leaving Home: The Therapy of Disturbed Young People. McGraw-Hill.
- Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence—from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. Basic Books.
- Madanes, C. (1990). Sex, Love, and Violence: Strategies for Transformation. W.W. Norton.
- Newton, C. & Madanes, C. (1994). Strategic Family Therapy Approaches. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy.
- van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.
- Warshak, R. A. (2015). Welcome Back, Pluto: Understanding, Preventing, and Overcoming Parental Alienation.
